I didn't grow up in the church but was introduced to Christ at a young age.  For many years I was lukewarm Christian. Not in church regularly - not reading the bible, not even praying daily - just doing what I wanted to do for 2 reasons.

1. I didn't know how to be a Christian- I was a sinner- if I have to wait to be PERFECT then I guess I'm just doomed. 

2. I was a sinner and truth be told- living in sin is NORMAL to the rest of the world and at times is fun.  

So I didn't know as Christians we were to work on denying our fleshly desires. I thought we were to suddenly decide to no longer sin and then we come to God. Boy was I wrong but I digress.

The suffering I experienced because of my ways in the world was ever present. I was going about the day to day carrying a very heavy load! The load of depression. The load of sin. The load of condemnation. The load of this dark world we live in. I often wondered if there was more to this life. 

THERE HAS TO BE RIGHT???

I'm a nobody - I have nothing- I have no passion for anything but being lazy and sleeping and crying!

I am nothing. just a feeling of total worthlessness!  

Seeing celebrities and people on social media sharing what they feel is the key to happiness and or success left me feeling worse at times. Asking such questions as:

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What's wrong with me?

What's my purpose? 

Why am I here?

What's the point of all this?  

In the depths of my existence, I found myself wandering through life, burdened by a weight I couldn't shake. For years, I navigated life going through the motions but feeling disconnected from everything. Feeling like I was too dirty to go to God but also knew I was sick of the world and what it offered or what it makes us feel we need to be 'happy' /fulfilled!! 

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My depression was was suffocating! It  drained me of all hope and joy, leaving me with the constant seeking of gratification/temporary happiness in many ways. Some ways not as bad as others (like my impulsive shopping habits) but  I didn't realize at the time this was a form of self harm and sin.  

It was nothing like the life I now know the Father would rather I have. 

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 The weight of sin was a constant reminder of my imperfections and shortcomings. Guilt and shame are heavy! In the midst of this darkness, a flicker of hope came from somewhere. I can't put my finger on what was different this time vs other times I had tried to turn to the Lord but continued in my luke-warmness.  I longed for something more, a yearning for a deeper SOMETHING-I JUST NEEDED SOMETHING!!! 

Despite my doubts and fears and the condemnation I pushed ahead- I don't know maybe I stuck my hand out a little higher this time and the Lord; praise God! He lifted me from my pit.   It all started at a book signing for a group of girls at SAGU in (University in Waxahachie TX) 

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From there I started reading the book 'the purpose driven' life. I couldn't recall how many years prior I had purchased that book or maybe someone had given it to me but it set collecting dust - once I finally opened it, it changed my life. It told me my life actually had MEANING AND PURPOSE!

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This book helped me change my entire view of myself and helped me to get a better idea of how God viewed me.

In the quiet moments of prayer and reflection, I poured out my burdens, surrendering them to the Lord. Slowly but surely, the weight began to lift. In place of despair, I found a peace I've never known and hope that was foreign to me.

In place of sin and condemnation, I discovered grace and forgiveness. In place of darkness, I was enveloped in the warm embrace of divine love. I'm a skeptic at heart  but my faith in God has increased to a level I never knew I was capable of. As I journey deeper into my faith, I have found purpose and meaning beyond anything I could have imagined.

Each day I now see as an opportunity to live out the transformative power of love, extending grace to others as I had received it myself. I even found myself immediately forgiving and then praying over the love of my life that I learned had cheated on  me.  ONLY the transformative power of love & grace FROM THE LORD ABOVE COULD CREATE THAT! 

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He was so racked with guilt and I wanted him to be released from the condemnation that Satan had him under because I knew that feeling all too well. it's awful!!!

We DO NOT HAVE TO AND SHOULD NOT walk around like that. God has already given us the victory in Him. 

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No longer burdened by the weight of my past, I wake DAILY  with a newfound purpose, freedom and joy, embracing each moment as a gift to be cherished. Though the road ahead can and will be bumpy at times, I walk it with confidence, knowing that I am never alone. I can give him all of my burdens to Him to carry and destroy for me.  The light of redemption shines brightly within me and I want others to have it as well.  I want you to be freed just as I was and I promise you once you get it you'll want others to get it too. 

Check out a poem I wrote about 20yrs ago after having broken free from an abusive relationship.   The darkness is palpable- I'm so glad to have been set free from that!  Little did I know when the relationship finally ended,  I would go on to live with depression from then on and I also know now it was but the grace of God that I made it out the way that I did! Amen Praise God!